You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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