I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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