I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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