i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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