where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
