sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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