if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
