hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
