how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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