it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
