I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
