I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
