At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
where am i from again
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
