I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
