I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
