This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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