How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
