i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
