My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
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