I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
