I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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