youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
