bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
