i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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