Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
