Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
