conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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