YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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