you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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