I love black thongs
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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