matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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