True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
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She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
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and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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