I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
