Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
