I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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