who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
