I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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