Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
being pregnant is like rehab
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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