she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
