In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We talked him into tasing himself.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
