I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
