sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
