I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
