Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
