I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
