Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
