I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
