he wants to bone in the snuggie
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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