Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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