The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
