I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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