Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
