She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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