Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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