I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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