Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
