Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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