So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
