I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
